‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.  As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:  ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.  ’I'm just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother.  ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Hi James:
Here’s what they don’t tell you! This scanner sound likes a great deal
until you find out what they expect you to do. Set up of the scanner
takes a while but the tricky part is what they expect you to scan and
then what amount of points you receive for it. They want you to scan
EVERY possible item you buy or get in the mail. This includes food,
clothing, freebies, samples, coupons and the list goes on and on. You
only get 150 points weekly for transmitting your information plus
occasional surveys points but the gift? items start out at the level
of 8000 points. A whole lot of work for very little gain and the rewards
are not that great. The scanner doesn’t always hold a charge which means
you have to re-enter all the information again! I guess this works for
people who really want their freebies but be warned this program is a
LOT of work for little gain. Otherwise I enjoy your freebie listing,
have got so many I lost count. Keep up the good work!

Bruce -

This is in reference to Homescan Consumer Panel.

So what ar your thoughts?

Hey there guys, I’m currently on the job hunt after my Walmart transfer didn’t happen. Do you have any recommended websites to share with me and the rest of the world? Let us know in the comment box below!

-Oscar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL3WNqs5ZzA

Buy the right tires
Did you know some kinds of radial tires can help you save gas? Essentially the best tire for fuel efficiency is one that has less friction with the road. These are sometimes termed Low Rolling Resistance (LRR) tires and are made of a harder compound. The tradeoff being that they aren’t as “sticky,” which means the car won’t hug the curve as well as you might like. Decide for yourself by reading the Tire Rack’s Customer Reviews.

Keep your car’s tires properly inflated
You’ve heard it a thousand times; for better gas mileage and to prolong their life, keep your tires properly inflated. Under-inflated tires can zap as much as one mile per gallon! The simple trick is not to inflate to what the tire’s sidewall says, but to follow what the automaker says in the operator’s manual or the sticker on the driver’s side door.

Go out and buy a decent tire pressure gauge and check the pressure of each tire including the spare at least every month. Remember to check air pressure when the tires are still cold as the air expands when it is ht giving inaccurate readings.

According to independent test commissioned by the US government, “An extra 100 pounds in the trunk reduces a typical car’s fuel economy by 1-2 percent.”

It’s time to clear out all those 2 liter bottles of Coke, jugs of laundry detergent from last week’s Costco outing and excess tools just sitting there. It’s very easy for items to keep piling up so take a moment to clear the trunk, back seat and floors. You’ll be surprised at how much it all weights.

Cruise Control Is Your Friend
Maintaining a steady and safe speed is important on highways. It is very, very easy not to notice that you are doing 70 miles per hour in a 55 MPH zone. Using your car’s cruise control function is not only convenient, but it can also save gas and prevent you from getting a speeding ticket, which can cost you points and increased insurance costs. Most cars will automatically maintain their cruise control speed even when going uphill, which is great because you may not have to keep close tabs on pushing the accelerator down further and watching the speedometer at the same time.

Use your cruise control to set the base speed and then accelerate manually if you need to pass knowing that when you let off the gas the car will go back to the preset speed. Priceless convenience, which also helps with safety. Just make sure to use cruise control when there isn’t much traffic. If you find you are getting too close to a car in front or encounter traffic, either change lanes or simply click on the crusie control stalk or tap on the brakes to disengage it. The key to saving gas is to drive at a consistent speed.

Also, a neat little trick to force your car to up-shift earlier is to let off the gas a little after initial acceleration.

If you own a website, or are trying to get one, you will understand.

Before you even put the key in the ignition, plan your trip.
Many people will just hop into their car to drive to the post office, come back home and park their car. An hour or two later they get right back in and drive to the market. This scenario is repeated over and over and it shouldn’t be this way.

You will get better gas mileage if you combine errands into one trip since a warm engine uses less fuel. While you are at it, plan it out so you take the shortest route and/or roads with the least traffic.

Google Maps and the AAA site has lots of trip planning information and maps.

Choose the right time to drive
Many times simply leaving fifteen minutes early or leaving just after the rush can save you travel time and gas. Why? because all that stop and go will use up a huge amount of gas especially if you drive a car with a V6 engine or an SUV.

Check traffic reports via television, radio or through online traffic reports before leaving your home or office.

Avoid jack rabbit starts and stops
This is a tough one for some folks to resist especially the younger drivers, but avoid stomping on the gas pedal when the light turns green. While it may seem cool to hear that engine rev hard, fast starts out of the line will consume huge amounts of gas as the engine has to work much harder to get the car up to speed. If you do this enough times in a row you’ll actually see your gas gauge get closer to empty very, very quickly. Accelerate gradually when starting off and extend your gas mileage and the life of your drive-train.

1. Get Married

Death is no obstacle when it comes to love in China. That’s because ghost marriage—the practice of setting up deceased relatives with suitable spouses, dead or alive—is still an option.

Ghost marriage first appeared in Chinese legends 2,000 years ago, and it’s been a staple of the culture ever since. At times, it was a way for spinsters to gain social acceptance after death. At other times, the ceremony honored dead sons by giving them living brides. In both cases, the marriages served a religious function by making the deceased happier in the afterlife.

While the practice of matchmaking for the dead waned during China’s Cultural Revolution in the late 1960s, officials report that ghost marriages are back on the rise. Today, the goal is often to give a deceased bachelor a wife—preferably one who has recently been laid to rest. But in a nation where men outnumber women in death as well as in life, the shortage of corpse brides has led to murder. In 2007, there were two widely reported cases of rural men killing prostitutes, housekeepers, and mentally ill women in order to sell their bodies as ghost wives. Worse, these crimes pay. According to The Washington Post and The London Times, one undertaker buys women’s bodies for more than $2,000 and sells them to prospective “in-laws” for nearly $5,000.

2. Unwind with a Few Friends

Today, most of us think of mummies as rare and valuable artifacts, but to the ancient Egyptians, they were as common as iPhones. So, where have all those mummies gone? Basically, they’ve been used up. Europeans and Middle Easterners spent centuries raiding ancient Egyptian tombs and turning the bandaged bodies into cheap commodities. For instance, mummy-based panaceas were once popular as quack medicine. In the 16th century, French King Francis I took a daily pinch of mummy to build strength, sort of like a particularly offensive multivitamin. Other mummies, mainly those of animals, became kindling in homes and steam engines. Meanwhile, human mummies frequently fell victim to Victorian social events. During the late 19th century, it was popular for wealthy families to host mummy-unwrapping parties, where the desecration of the dead was followed by cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.

3. Tour the Globe as a Scandalous Work of Art

Beginning in 1996 with the BODY WORLDS show in Japan, exhibits featuring artfully flayed human bodies have rocked the museum circuit. BODY WORLDS is now in its fourth incarnation, and competing shows, such as Bodies Revealed, are pulling in $30 million per year. The problem is, it’s not always clear where those bodies are coming from.

Dr. Gunther von Hagens, the man behind BODY WORLDS, has documented that his bodies were donated voluntarily to his organization. However, his largest competitor, Premier Entertainment, doesn’t have a well-established donation system. Premier maintains that its cadavers are unclaimed bodies from mainland China. And therein lies the concern. Activists and journalists believe “unclaimed bodies” is a euphemism for “executed political prisoners.”

The fear isn’t unfounded. In 2006, Canada commissioned a human rights report that found Chinese political prisoners were being killed so that their organs could be “donated” to transplant patients. And in February 2008, ABC News ran an exposé featuring a former employee from one of the Chinese companies that supplied corpses to Premier Entertainment. In the interview, he claimed that one-third of the bodies he processed were political prisoners. Not surprisingly, governments have started to take notice. In January 2008, the California State Assembly passed legislation requiring body exhibits to prove that all their corpses were willfully donated.

4. Fuel a City

Cremating a body uses up a lot of energy—and a lot of nonrenewable resources. So how do you give Grandma the send-off she wanted and protect the planet at the same time? Multitask. Some European crematoriums have figured out a way to replace conventional boilers by harnessing the heat produced in their fires, which can reach temperatures in excess of 1,832 degrees F. In fact, starting in 1997, the Swedish city of Helsingborg used local crematoriums to supply 10 percent of the heat for its homes.

5. Get Sold, Chop Shop-Style

Selling a stiff has always been a profitable venture. In the Middle Ages, grave robbers scoured cemeteries and sold whatever they could dig up to doctors and scientists. And while the business of selling cadavers and body parts in the United States is certainly cleaner now, it’s no less dubious.

Today, the system runs like this: Willed-body donation programs, often run by universities, match cadavers with the researchers who need them. But because dead bodies and body parts can’t be sold legally, the middlemen who supply these bodies charge large fees for “shipping and handling.” Shipping a full cadaver can bring in as much as $1,000, but if you divvy up a body into its component parts, you can make a fortune. A head can cost as much as $500; a knee, $650; and a disembodied torso, $5,000.

The truth is, there are never enough of these willed bodies to meet demand. And with that kind of money on the mortician’s table, corruption abounds. In the past few years, coroners have been busted stealing corneas, crematorium technicians have been caught lifting heads off bodies before they’re burned, and university employees at body donation programs have been found stealing cadavers. After UCLA’s willed-body program director was arrested for selling body parts in 2004, the State of California recommended outfitting corpses with bar code tattoos or tracking chips, like the kinds injected into dogs and cats. The hope is to make cadavers easier to inventory and track down when they disappear.

6. Become a Soviet Tourist Attraction

Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin wanted to be buried in his family plot. But when Lenin died in 1924, Joseph Stalin insisted on putting his corpse on public display in Red Square, creating a secular, Communist relic. Consequently, an organization called the Research Institute for Biological Structures was formed to keep Lenin’s body from decay. The Institute was no joke, as some of the Soviet Union’s most brilliant minds spent more than 25 years working and living on site to perfect the Soviet system of corpse preservation. Scientists today still use their method, which involves a carefully controlled climate, a twice-weekly regimen of dusting and lubrication, and semi-annual dips in a secret blend of 11 herbs and chemicals. Unlike bodies, however, fame can’t last forever. The popularity of the tomb is dwindling, and the Russian government is now considering giving Lenin the burial he always wanted.

7. Snuggle Up with Your Stalker

When a beautiful young woman named Elena Hoyos died from tuberculosis in Florida in 1931, her life as a misused object of desire began. Her admirer, a local X-ray technician who called himself Count Carl von Cosel, paid for Hoyos to be embalmed and buried in a mausoleum above ground. Then, in 1933, the crafty Count stole Elena’s body and hid it in his home. During the next seven years, he worked to preserve her corpse, replacing her flesh as it decayed with hanger wires, molded wax, and plaster of Paris. He even slept beside Elena’s body in bed—that is, until her family discovered her there. In the ensuing media circus, more than 6,000 people filed through the funeral home to view Elena before she was put to rest. Her family buried her in an unmarked grave so that von Cosel couldn’t find her, but that didn’t stop his obsession. Von Cosel wrote about Elena for pulp fiction magazines and sold postcards of her likeness until he was found dead in his home in 1952. Near his body was a life-size wax dummy made to look just like Elena.

8. Not Spread an Epidemic

In the aftermath of natural disasters such as tsunamis, floods, and hurricanes, it’s common for the bodies of victims to be buried or burned en masse as soon as possible. Supposedly, this prevents the spread of disease. But according to the World Health Organization (WHO), dead bodies have been getting a bad rap. It turns out that the victims of natural disasters are no more likely to harbor infectious diseases than the general population. Plus, most pathogens can’t survive long in a corpse. Taken together, the WHO says there’s no way that cadavers are to blame for post-disaster outbreaks. So what is? The fault seems to lie with the living or, more specifically, their living conditions. After a disaster, people often end up in crowded refugee camps with poor sanitation. For epidemic diseases, that’s akin to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

9. Stand Trial

In 897 CE, Pope Stephen VI accused former Pope Formosus of perjury and violation of church canon. The problem was that Pope Formosus had died nine months earlier. Stephen worked around this little detail by exhuming the dead pope’s body, dressing it in full papal regalia, and putting it on trial. He then proceeded to serve as chief prosecutor as he angrily cross-examined the corpse. The spectacle was about as ludicrous as you’d imagine. In fact, Pope Stephen appeared so thoroughly insane that a group of concerned citizens launched a successful assassination plot against him. The next year, one of Pope Stephen’s successors reversed Formosus’ conviction, ordering his body reburied with full honors.

10. Stave Off Freezer Burn

At cryonics facilities around the globe, the dead aren’t frozen anymore. The reason? Freezer burn. As with steaks and green beans, freezing a human body damages tissues, largely because cells burst as the water in them solidifies and expands. In the early days of cryonics, the theory was that future medical technology would be able to fix this damage, along with curing whatever illness killed the patient in the first place.

Realizing that straight freezing isn’t the best option, today’s scientists have made significant advances in cryonics. Using a process called vitrification, the water in the body is now replaced with an anti-freezing agent. The body is then stored at cold temperatures, but no ice forms. In 2005, researchers vitrified a rabbit kidney and successfully brought it back to complete functionality—a big step in cryonics research. (It may help in organ transplants someday, too.) But science has yet to prove that an entire body can be revived. Even worse, some vitrified bodies have developed large cracks in places where cracks don’t belong. Until those kinks get worked out, the hope of being revived in the future will remain a dream.

This article originally appeared in mental_floss magazine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM2CORdyv8k