May

Anyone up for a little shopping?

Posted by James Published in Humor

At first, I thought this was just a regular online shopping site.
Let it load….thats when it gets interesting!

http://producten.hema.nl/

Apr

Just A Little Humor Today For The Over 30 Crowd

Posted by James Published in Humor

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to
school every morning

Uphill… barefoot…

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the
youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say
it but you kids today you
don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the
library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our
parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of
all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No
where was safe!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store
and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off
the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning
and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks
in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and
“eject” it when finished and the tape would come
undone cause that’s how we rolled dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could
be your school,
your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you
just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari
2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your
guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You
had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We
had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
l^&%*!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove … Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy.
You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before !

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

16 comments

Mar

Hilarious Laugh Steals the Show!

Posted by Oscar Published in Humor, Videos

I bookmarked this video. This is hilarious! Watch the man sitting down in yellow.
You’ll understand it better when they give him a microphone.

5 comments

Mar

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Posted by emichelle1113 Published in Humor

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

(see each breeds’ answers below)

	1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
	2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
	3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
	4. Rottweiler: Make me.
	5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
	6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
	7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
	8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
	9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!
	10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
	11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”
	12. Greyhound/Saluki: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
	13. Heeler/Australian Cattle Dog: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
	14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Keep going down

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
	“How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

1 comment

Oct

Wrong Number. From Carol Burnett.

Posted by James Published in Humor, Videos

9 comments

Sep

Just A Little Humor Today. Thanks Deb.

Posted by James Published in Humor

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?

‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.

‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’

‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.

‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ’I'm just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

6 comments

Sep

Five Minute Management Course

Posted by James Published in Humor

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say any thing about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

1 comment

Aug

Little Joseph Wants A Bike…

Posted by emichelle1113 Published in Humor

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford
it.’ The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, ‘Son, where are you going?’ Little
Joseph told him; ‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!

4 comments

Jul